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Saturday, October 7, 2017

The day you went too far

There was the day you went too far,
When you pushed me, playfully,
While I was rollerblading,
Asking if I knew how to stop
When going backwards.
A car was oncoming
I tried
I failed
I fell.
My bone went "crack"
Pain seared through me
My arm looked like a staircase;
"Maybe it's not broken", you said.
That day, you went too far.
But I believed it was an accident
It didn't cross my mind
That even PUSHING a loved one
Wasn't normal.
So I made excuses for you.
***
There was the day you went too far
When highly depressed-me was interned
For fear of hurting
Myself,
Our children;
A friend looked after them.
But, coming back from work ,
"Must you go TODAY?" you asked
"It's really not very convenient!"
A few days later, once more,
"I cannot visit you again" you said
"The atmosphere is too depressing"
You didn't bother to learn
How best to support me
However, you were sure
You knew best
What I certainly SHOULDN'T do
(hypnosis)
You were scared
Of what?
I wonder...
That I should find myself,
And decided to leave?
That day you went too far
But I was too sick,
Too weak
To see
That's not what a supportive relashionship
Should be.
So I brushed it off.
***
There was the day you went too far
When pregnant-me felt so tired
From taking care of two toddlers
That I wanted nothing more than rest
On that hot and humid Sunday;
"You've got to stay fit,
Pregnancy is not an illness" you said
And, knowing you already despised
The 10 extra pounds
Gained over the years,
I tried
I walked
Bent over in the heat
Stopping often to lean on a post
Or a drinking fountain.
I felt like a ninety year old granny;
People made fun of me
For walking so slowly.
You didn't say anything.
Later that week,
I felt ill
I called my doctor
They did some tests.
The baby's heart had stopped beating.
I was devastated,
Sitting alone in that doctor's waiting room
Knowing what he was about to say.
That day you went too far,
Pushing me to exercise
To the point where it endangered
Our baby's life.
But I believed you had
My best interest in mind.
I didn't understand
What support was.
So I stayed.
***
There was the day you went too far
Demanding three star meals
When I was juggling
Life with an infant
School,
Homeschooling
For our older children too
"It's not reason enough
To let the house go" you said
"That's the only job you have.
I go to work too"
So I tried,
Day after day
To satisfy
Your desires
That time, you went too far
But I didn't see
How abnormal it is
For a husband and father
To behave like this
I simply tried harder.
***
There was the day you went too far
An insignificant phrase
"Since you don't work,
Can't you be the one looking for ideas,
For dates?"
You didn't seem to mean
Any ill by it
But it told me that,
No matter what you'd promised,
You were never going to change.
It would always be me,
My job,
My responsibility
To keep the marriage going.
Even when I'd already told you
I couldn't continue
Like this.
That I needed you
To take an interest in me
To work on our marriage.
That day you went too far.
You probably didn't realise
(You'd already done so much worse!)
But to me,
That was the last chance
You were ever going to get.
***
That day you went too far
And a week later
I told you I wanted a divorce.
For the second time
But this time?
I meant it.
***
There were more days you went too far
The day you said
"Why sleep in different beds?
The fact we're divorcing
Doesn't mean
We shouldn't have sex any more";
The day you threatened me
"If you don't agree,
I'll tell everyone
What a dirty bitch you are"
The day you yelled through the house
"It'll feel good
Once she's finally
Out of here"
In front of our children
And since I left,
There have been many more days
You went too far.
***
And now,
With each of these days,
I stumble as I get hit,
But only so I can stand taller
Once I recover.
***
Today's prompt from OctPoWriMo was "And then I went too far".
I took the opposite view. I know it's not really a poem. It's more of a stream of conscousness thing. But that's what needed out, so that's what it'll be.
One day, maybe, I'll change it. For now... this it what you get.

6 comments:

  1. my heart is hurting and my eyes are watering

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry I made you feel like this.
      It hasn't been an easy life. But I get stronger every day.
      You know what the worst is? That when I write this, there is still this little voice in my head telling me "It's not all that bad, you're blowing it out of proportion".
      It's a daily struggle to get that little voice to become quieter and quieter.

      But, by writing it down, it helps. It helps see facts more clearly when you actually put words on them. At least it does me.

      Thank you very much for reading this one. It is long and far from fun, and I really appreciate you putting the time and energy into reading it.

      Delete
  2. This is an amazing, strong piece. Your determination and sense of self shine through each realization, like going through a tunnel, and the light at the end gets bigger and brighter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for such a positive comment. It's been a struggle. I continue to fight hard. Most days. But now I am finally getting strong enough that I don''t let it bring me down for quite as long.
      Thank you really, for reading and your thoughtful comment!

      Delete
  3. Intense, powerful, cleansing, honest, all things that are important when dancing with your words to create poetry. Well done, Dawn. Sending lots of love, light, and hugs your way.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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