Waking up already tired,
Just thinking of your life is painful;
Getting up requires strength
You feel you have never had,
So shutting your eyes suddenly seems
Like the most attractive choice.
The simple act of
And from your life you see no respite
(Why should one even need respite
From their own life,
Is a question you often ponder).
You can't get out of your head
Caught in the maelstrom of your thoughts.
You're so tired you just lay there
Yet sleeping is not an option:
The whirlpool drags you ever deeper
Into comatose asphyxiation.
The voices in your head
Contradict themselves constantly
So you don't know which to believe.
One lashes at you,
The scorn, palpable,
Makes you feel less than dirt
"Look at yourself, slob, you're disgusting!
You're always running late, you're fat and ugly,
There's not a thing you can do properly
You're a sad excuse for the human race."
The other one tries to build you up,
A gentle voice,
Telling you "You're doing great,
You're a good person
With your heart on your sleeve;
Your clients love you,
Come back year after year,
Word of mouth is all the publicity you need
Because your reputation is outstanding."
But that positive voice,
So gentle and fragile
Is drowned out by the vociferous one
Screaming repeatedly its scorn.
So you can't just think,
Like a normal person,
But have to question every single idea
That germinates into your mind,
Checking it's really you speaking
Not some cunning Medea.
Preparing food seems like
Such an insurmountable feat
Your body's hungry
But your mind doesn't want to know
Yet, moments later,
As you finally eat
From that meal
Distractedly prepared, with disgust,
Nothing is left in front of you
Not a single crust;
You ate more than your body needed
And right away regret it.
But you won't allow yourself to slide into
What you consider the next taboo.
If you ate too much, too bad for you:
You'll carry the weight of that decision
Shaming yourself publicly
With the extra pounds you've been taught to despise.
Stimulations are overwhelming:
You're scared by the sound of a drop
Falling from your shower,
A flashing light sends you into a fit,
A smell you can't stand;
You hear sounds that don't exist,
A constant humming in your ears;
Images are so vivid,
Even with your eyes closed;
The taste of your blood
Stays in your mouth
After you bit your tongue.
You feel helpless
Know you need help;
You need support
But do you deserve it?
What if you bothered anyone...
Dance in your mind:
Dangling from a rope
Or lying on train tracks,
You finally rid the world
Of one more burden.
And these images bring
But you're too scared
Or too coward
To go ahead with it;
That's what you'd been thinking
All those sleepless nights:
Even in death, you can't succeed!
You're a failure through and through
Why would the world need
Someone like you?
I started writing this poem in the morning. At a time I was just recovering from my last panic attack. Reading the prompt again tonight, I realise that I didn't explore at all the "How is madness linked to creativity". I just read "Write about mental illness".
So I did. My life has been crazy lately, dealing with... mental illness(!), so I didn't pay too much attention to form or rhyme. Let's say it's free-verse, I'll feel less inadequate ;)